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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.